Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.