Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening