How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*cough*
I love you…
…r dog.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.