I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*