Boom, boom, ching!
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.