*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor