4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
You Might Also Like
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick