Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
That’s enough internet for the day
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: