If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Oops
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Day 2 of my diet
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.