Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen