[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball