If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces