There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?