ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Just a reminder, folks:
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.