[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
john wicks are toilet candles
<—- homeless romantic
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.