Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
2022 will be better than 2021
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350