[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.