Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*