it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms