CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.