8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be