Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.