ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Don’t tell me what to do
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
cat vs inanimate object
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked