Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.