Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.