Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?