Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Bread puns are on the rise!
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?