If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?