rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
May have had one breakfast too many
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk