I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.