Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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just pretend nothing happened
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
spicy snake
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.