*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Accurate
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.