“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I’m giving up for Lent.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
How did people charge their phones before electricity?