Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.