“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I just tested negative for patience.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
translated into Canadian
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)