still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
You Might Also Like
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
wow
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.