DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.