Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
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Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
cat vs inanimate object
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
handsome & gretel
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*