Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
This will never not be funny 😭
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Love this guy
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend