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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*