When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?