Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.