*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
You Might Also Like
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Always 🥴
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: