What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.