“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You Might Also Like
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
black phone good
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Well, this explains it:
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.