Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
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life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
☺️
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.