Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back