A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You Might Also Like
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Meanwhile in Canada…
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Holy moly