once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Don’t touch that.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.