“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗